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Ask Amy Leigh Mercree your spiritual dating and relationship questions from the juicy to the romantic to the outrageous. Dilemmas can be solved and we can have some good natured laughs while we figure you out. We will not print your name or any personal details unless you ask us to, your privacy is our priority!
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Ask Amy ~ Never Had A Boyfriend? No Worries!
I am 24 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I am a spiritual person and I have been doing a lot of work on myself. I’ve had healings and I talk with my guides but I’m having a hard time. Growing up I was made fun of for being fat or annoying. My brother called me fat and told me I would never do anything with my life. Despite this I was a pretty happy kid. I was a cheerleader and played some sports. I had plenty of friends. For a lot of my life I’ve been obsessed with the thought of having a boyfriend but it hasn’t happened for me. Im not sure when it happened but I have a hard time believing that i deserve love. Loving myself is something that I have difficulty with. I have anxiety and a lot of fear. Also as i grow older i notice that i become more negative. I always expect the worst rather than the best. I am far too young to worry this much and be this unhappy. I have created so many blocks for myself and no matter how hard i try I have not been able to get rid of them. It’s like i can’t let go, like i want to stay miserable and alone and I am unsure of how to change it. I have great friends and they are very encouraging and positive but i have a hard time changing the way I feel about myself. I’ve read your book and it is amazing, thank you. I’ve been told I have made a lot of progress very fast but I just don’t see it. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated
Just wants to be happy
Dear Just wants to be happy,
It sounds like you have surmounted some major challenges in your life already. That is something to remember about yourself, you took some serious lemons (a verbally abusive and humiliating sibling, hardships with self worth) and made lemonade out of your life in many ways. If you choose to celebrate your achievements and the way you spread goodness and love in the world you can draw more good things to you.
I think you can focus your intention now on reprogramming your actual physical cells which have born the brunt of your emotional challenges. Recalibrate your cells to JOY – the highest vibration in the universe. To reprogram your cells use affirmative statements and decrees. Post the following statements in your environment where you can say them aloud daily, maybe on your bathroom mirror, or inside your closet door, or next to your bed.
AFFIRMATIONS – Daily
I am sacred.
I am joy.
I love me.
My cells are infused with pure, joyful light in each moment.
I choose to love myself and see my radiance.
I am beautiful, inside and out.
My body is a radiant expression of the divine feminine.
I am made of joy.
I am safe.
I am my higher self.
DECREES – You only need to do decrees once. All of your guides (new ones will come too) witness your decrees and say them aloud in unison with you to exponentialize the decree’s energy. You always say ‘it is done’ at the end of a decree and then it is 100% enacted (unless it harms anyone).
I decree that from this point forward I receive, give, and treat myself with the utmost love and kindness and that I be continually infused with joyful light to eternally raise my vibration for all time. It is done.
I decree that from this point forward I choose and attract positivity and my life is an enjoyable, ease-filled, pleasant expression of pure joy and love. It is done.
I decree that I am happy, fulfilled, and feel completely loved. I choose emotional safety for myself from this point forward. So it is. It is done.
It may be best to keep building your self esteem before dating so you make healthy choices in your love life. Often times, when our self esteem is shaky we get into romantic relationships that have a negative impact on our self esteem or have one night stands that we feel conflicted about afterwards. I’m SO glad you haven’t done that! Pat yourself on the back for that! Seriously. So much damage is done when we date when we aren’t emotionally ready.
Try to let go of the obsession with having a boyfriend and focus on yourself. The struggles you have with fear and anxiety might be helped by seeing a kind, holistic psychotherapist for awhile to do some intensive building of your inner emotional foundation. Then you’ll be in the right place to share romantic experiences with someone who is also emotionally healthy and you’ll be able to spot him in the crowd.
In the meantime, fill your own needs. Socialize with friends and explore flirting a bit when your are out, just get your toes wet. Meet your own sensual needs too: warm bubble baths, massages, self love making. Enliven your senses! Focus on things you can do each day to stimulate all of your senses: smell, touch, sight, sound, taste, and extrasensory. Have your sensory activities be joyful like: a sunny morning walk in a meadow, patting a friend’s dog, making sorbet with frozen fruit in the food processor, swimming in the ocean or a lake, crank your favorite songs and have a dance party, gather some peeps and hit up an outdoor summer concert, get some reflexology on your tootsies.
You are going to have to exert some mental discipline when your thoughts turn toward the negative. Each time, catch yourself and start repeating any of the above affirmations like a mantra. I am joy, I am joy, I am joy. Intercept the negatively and keep affirming joy instead. Even just repeating joy, joy, joy, joy, joy every time a negative thought pops up even if you are repeating joy for hours a day that’s fine; you’re just putting in time reprogramming your cells and life.
Write me back in a few months with your progress and then we’ll talk about meeting some guys.
May your life be filled with love and joy!
Amy Leigh Mercree
Ask Amy Question:
I’m writing cause I feel lost. I want to be my true self, you know – authentic, but every time I try I feel self conscious. I don’t belong and I don’t know why. I’m 15, and have a few friends but I don’t feel popular or cool and it wears me down. It seems like one of the most important things in people’s lives who are my age.
And don’t even get me started as far as guys. The girls who seem happy and comfortable with themselves all have boyfriends. And I’ve never had one. How can I make my life suck less?
“Want to be myself”
Ask Amy Answer
Dear “Want to be myself,”
Confidence can be cultivated. And it sounds like you need a serious dose of it. Sometimes you have to ‘fake it till you make it.’ You’ll have to trick yourself into being confident by, well . . . being confident – behaving like you already are confident. Let’s do an exercise to get you in the mood to act confidently.
What is positive about you? What do you excel at? When do you make great decisions for yourself or to help another? How do your friends describe you positively? List at least twenty great things about yourself and write them down. Post these on the wall in your closet and read at least ten aloud every morning as you get dressed. It may seem a little silly but try it. When we speak aloud to ourselves we are programming our cells. So, it’s a great idea to do that with positive statements.
Here are some examples: “I am kind to myself and others.” “I choose healthy foods for my body.” “I like the perfect shape of my toe nails.” “I am glad that I enjoy math so much.” “My status updates are really witty and fun.” “I am a creative person.”
Fitting in can seem really crucial and important but keep in mind a few things. Like in Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers, those who are outside the box types often prosper in life. They take chances that bring results that stem from their creativity. Look at Richard Branson, the CEO of Virgin Atlantic Airlines, he is a very outside the box guy. He is certainly popular now, but he doesn’t exactly fit in with many people because of his uniqueness. When he was in high school do you think he was in the popular clique, I highly doubt it. I bet he was a quirky, slightly eccentric guy who people didn’t quite get.
When you’re in high school it seems like the whole world is going to be that same cliquey way; it isn’t. Even college is a whole new world of people respecting and appreciating each other’s differences. So, hang in there and in the meantime find some clubs or groups that resonate with you now. Maybe chess club, lacrosse, fantasy football club, art club, volunteer groups, an environmental conservation club at school or volunteering for Greenpeace. Find some people who are into what you are, even if they are not in high school.
In high school, guys are overrated. They’re still generally immature and they are all definitely giant balls of hormones. Since girls are too that can sometimes seem like euphoria for both guys and girls; it is chemically induced. That is what you see from the girls with boyfriends who radiate giddy bliss. Chemicals, hormones, and a false sense of self that comes from only believing you are okay if guys are falling all over you. In high school, being hot is probably one of the most high status, coolest, things you can be. But a lot of us don’t get “hot” until college or even a bit after. Some women I know end up getting super hot in their 30s.
Have patience with your life and don’t rush the boyfriend thing, just let it happen at the right time for you.
|ASK AMY QUESTION:What is spiritual dating?(via Facebook)ANSWER:Spiritual dating is built on the precept that each of us and our potential dates are all sacred. Sacred: beautiful, special, radiant, divine in nature. (Spiritual not but necessarily religious) When we date we view each date as a spiritual, sacred being and date people who view us the same way. The process of figuring out if someone is in that space is also part of the spiritual dating process. I have written a book detailing how to date spiritually called The Spiritual Girls Guide To Dating. It comes out in January 2012.———–|
ASK AMY QUESTION:
What would you say to gals that worry too much about dating – for instance, worrying that the person will turn out untrustworthy, etc.?
There comes a point when we have to trust our intuition. We might need to figure out why it didn’t work for us in the past as far as bad relationships and remedy that, work through those patterns and meet those unfulfilled needs. Then, trust ourselves to discern easily and without worry who is a good guy to date and who is not. So, the short answer to the question is if girls are worrying too much about getting hurt, than they should take a dating break and do some emotional work. Then ease back in with a sense of fun and let go of the worry. Thanks for the question! It was a great one!
ASK AMY QUESTION:
“Is there a spiritual reason my crush on a coworker is so strong? It is a sexual obsession!”
An obsession is not usually pleasant. It is consuming and that is definitely not in healthy balance. A few things come to mind.
1) Are you addicted to the chemical hit you get with the thrill of seeing and thinking and fantasizing about your crush? Are your brain’s and body’s chemicals reinforcing your obsession? If so, you need to break that chemical habit. To do that try not to think about him all of the time. Each time you do you’re indulging in your chemical addiction (to your own body’s lust chemicals). Focus on something else, like self improvement!
2) What does he represent to you? Is he the ultimate status boyfriend? Or the guy who might finally understand the real you if only he’d pay attention? Are you pinning a cache of fantasy qualities on someone who you don’t really know? It can be comforting to fantasize in moderation but focus on reality. What are the reality of your interactions?
3) Are you seeking attention and validation from a place where you won’t be successful getting it? Is that a pattern from childhood? Did you crave attention, love, connection with a family member or close person in your life but not fully get what you needed? If yes, is it possible that you are repeating a pattern and playing that out again by being obsessed with someone who is not obsessed with you? Rejection and negative reinforcement often are patterns that begin in childhood and they can be very subtle.